I’ve watched my son chase after friend’s little ones. He eagerly steps in and lends a helping hand. His face lights up as he tosses them a ball, reigns in their wayward steps, and laughs beside them. And my hearts seizes with a whisp of jealousy. He would have been such a good big brother.
Family is precious in any size and form, but mine doesn’t look the way I thought it would.
We knew we wanted a few years to travel, buy a house, and enjoy the delights of young marriage, but when baby talk started there was always chatter of two. One boy and one girl. That was our plan.
It wasn’t Gods.
The pregnancy happened quick. And just as quickly, it was…hard. There was morning sickness—every single morning—for nine months. Of course there was the afternoon and evening sickness too. Did I mention middle of the night sickness? And I lived like a camel. Seriously. A crazy heightened allergic response meant I generated too much saliva. The doctor’s words were, “carry a cup and just spit into it.” Right. Then there was the blood transfusions. The emergency C-section. And the two months in and out of the hospital where I fought to regain my footing and feel human again.
So when the doctor comes into your hospital room one day and says, “Let’s come up with a plan. If you do this again, you will die.” Well, you take them at their word. All of them.
But as the years pass by, you long for that family you dreamed of. You wonder if faith should have won out over fear. Did pride and selfishness steal what we were intended to be? Could we have pushed the limits of grace and forced our hand?
I scan the landscape of this family, my family. It’s the three of us and all the beautiful people God has brought alongside us. The family He has chosen to increase our little nest. Friends who’ve become like sisters and brothers, kiddos we love like our own, and an abundance of blessings that I didn’t count on.
It wasn’t our plan. It was God’s.
And I think I’ll always wonder. But then, I’ll be blessed with the family He chose.
This post is a link-up to the Five-Minute Friday community. An inspired and beautiful group of gifted writers who pour their heart on the page over a one word prompt. These posts aren’t carefully planned and preened for detail, but are just words that are laid on a page. I’m bound to a spell check, for my own sanity’s sake, but otherwise this is just the freedom to write at it’s finest. Come join the Friday free-write festivities or the early bird joy on Thursdays on Twitter @ #fmfparty. For details, please visit our gracious hostess, Kate Motaung.