When You Wonder {FMF: Family}

I’ve watched my son chase after friend’s little ones. He eagerly steps in and lends a helping hand. His face lights up as he tosses them a ball, reigns in their wayward steps, and laughs beside them. And my hearts seizes with a whisp of jealousy. He would have been such a good big brother.

Family is precious in any size and form, but mine doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

We knew we wanted a few years to travel, buy a house, and enjoy the delights of young marriage, but when baby talk started there was always chatter of two. One boy and one girl. That was our plan.

It wasn’t Gods.

{When You Wonder} www.simplyforone.net

The pregnancy happened quick. And just as quickly, it was…hard. There was morning sickness—every single morning—for nine months. Of course there was the afternoon and evening sickness too. Did I mention middle of the night sickness? And I lived like a camel. Seriously. A crazy heightened allergic response meant I generated too much saliva. The doctor’s words were, “carry a cup and just spit into it.” Right. Then there was the blood transfusions. The emergency C-section. And the two months in and out of the hospital where I fought to regain my footing and feel human again.

So when the doctor comes into your hospital room one day and says, “Let’s come up with a plan. If you do this again, you will die.” Well, you take them at their word. All of them.

But as the years pass by, you long for that family you dreamed of. You wonder if faith should have won out over fear. Did pride and selfishness steal what we were intended to be? Could we have pushed the limits of grace and forced our hand?

We didn’t.

I scan the landscape of this family, my family. It’s the three of us and all the beautiful people God has brought alongside us. The family He has chosen to increase our little nest. Friends who’ve become like sisters and brothers, kiddos we love like our own, and an abundance of blessings that I didn’t count on.

It wasn’t our plan. It was God’s.

And I think I’ll always wonder. But then, I’ll be blessed with the family He chose.

This post is a link-up to the Five-Minute Friday community. An inspired and beautiful group of gifted writers who pour their heart on the page over a one word prompt. These posts aren’t carefully planned and preened for detail, but are just words that are laid on a page. I’m bound to a spell check, for my own sanity’s sake, but otherwise this is just the freedom to write at it’s finest. Come join the Friday free-write festivities or the early bird joy on Thursdays on Twitter @ #fmfparty. For details, please visit our gracious hostess, Kate Motaung.

20 thoughts on “When You Wonder {FMF: Family}

  1. Tiffany, what a beautiful post. Although I never wanted children, I can hear the longing and wishfulness in your heart for another child. I pray that God brings ‘kids’ into your life, just as He did mine, to love on, encourage, and guide. Thank you for this lovely post. Thanks for visiting me!

    1. Thank you, Leah. Now that our son is in middle school, I’m finding a few “extras” around quite often. It makes my heart happy to see our boy have good friends around him; to know that he isn’t alone. Thank YOU for visiting me. Have a blessed weekend.

  2. You have walked (and still walk) through the tough reality of “our plan verses God’s.” Thank you for sharing your story. Others have walked through loss, and we all need to know we are not alone.
    In a different way, I have wrestled (and still wrestle) with a dream that looked like a true and living dream only to have it turned on its head. Laying down my will and my way has been fought again and again with aches and tears. But I can see good all around me too–in a world that is lived without my dream. I, too, wonder what today would be like with my dream a reality. When the ache comes, I know my submission to His will is a treasured sacrifice that is pleasing to God.
    Some days are hard. Other days, I am totally free enjoy the life God has given.

    1. Oh, Cheryl thank YOU for sharing a slice of your story here. Laying down our will and our dreams and picking up what God sets before us can be so difficult…especially when it looks so different from our expectations. But yes, it’s those steps of faith that draw us closer to Him and to the story that He writes over our lives for a greater good. I’m convinced today, more than ever, that God gives us what we need, not what we want. And that one day, we’ll understand just how perfect that plan is. Until then, we trust. Much love to you, friend. And no matter what…keep dreaming!

  3. Oh, you know this resonates with me. My family looks NOTHING like I expected, especially in the adoption avenue and the timing, but I’m so grateful it was God’s perfect plan. Your encouragement here is especially sweet today. xoxo

    1. And your family is just about as sweet as they come. The details sometimes elude us, don’t they?! But the end result is exactly what God knows we need and the benefit (like the way you’ve encouraged so many in their adoption journey) stretches beyond our imagination. God is good!! Hugs, friend.

  4. Oh, sweet Tiffany! I didn’t know that part of your story! How good that God gave you the family He did! I have regrets as well. Thoughts of what if? and I then come around like you have to just rest in the grace He grants us for each trusting that He makes all things good! Big hugs and love to you, friend!

    1. He does make all things good. I think we all have a few what-ifs and I’m grateful mine are of the wanting more vs. feeling less category. My sweet family is precisely what I need and God knew that too. Thanks for being here, friend.

  5. Such a beautiful story, Tiffany! We all face those sorts of questions throughout life. And the whole getting pregnant thing—it’s such a trust-walk. Sometimes God has opened the doors of womens’ wombs who doctors stated would never get pregnant. Sometimes, He closes wombs because He has other plans for building that family. When we take the insights we’re given and walk in the plan we believe God’s leading us in, we can learn to have peace, even when His plan wasn’t ours. Your boy sounds like such a love!

    1. Love that boy and SO glad for the treasure of my one and only. No matter how you slice it, we are family and I wouldn’t change that for the world. And chances are neither would he because I think he quite likes being the only one for us to fuss over. ;) Thanks for visiting, Jeanne. xo

  6. This is so, so beautiful. And a little bit chilling. I think, no matter what our circumstances, we all have to wrestle with some of those questions: throw-caution-to-the-wind faith… or trusting that God gives us wisdom to make the right decisions? But your story is a different kind of touching. Thank you for sharing it. What a blessing you must be to your family!

    1. You are so right, Sarah. We face those questions quite often, don’t we? I’ve never been a throw caution to the wind kind of girl and when life is on the line…well, not then either. Ha! So grateful for wisdom, grace, and Gods good plans. Thanks for visiting today!

  7. I so need this reminder too friend! So much THIS: “But as the years pass by, you long for that family you dreamed of.”

    1. Those are tough longings, I know. But God keeps on proving His plans are better, doesn’t He?! His plans for you are good, sweet friend. He is in the business of making dreams come true. xo

  8. Good post about your thoughts and questions. It is always difficult to find yourself needing to limit your personal idea of family due to health problems. God has blessed you with one and now He provides other family that have needs for love from you. God Bless. :)

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